Difficult conversations: understanding and transforming conflict
Before we can experience deep satisfaction in managing conflict well, we first need to understand why disruptive disputes are so complex. My understanding of how conflict impacts us and our relationships profoundly enhances my work as a mediator and conflict resolution trainer. So, let’s unpack this question.
Why is conflict often so painful?
During a recent conflict management workshop, a man asked, "Why does conflict have to be so damn painful?". His sentiment resonated deeply with other participants as nods broke out across the room. Conflict is often "so damn painful." I've often felt an overwhelming sense of "ugh" and unsettledness when I know I need to have a difficult conversation with someone else. I see this same discomfort at the beginning of mediation sessions between co-workers, parents, and religious leaders. Why is that? What is it about our experience of conflict that is so destabilizing? To find the answer, let's look at our need for connection and what we can do about it.
The link between connection and wellbeing
Stable and meaningful social relationships are fundamental to our health and well-being. If you've felt torn apart by a severed connection with friends or family due to conflict, it's because your well-being depends on it. A group of researchers recently measured the health impact of meaningful relationships for determining life span. For their study, they followed the lives of almost 309,000 participants for about 7.5 years on average, tracking their health and social interaction levels. They found that a lack of meaningful social relationships was as bad for a person's health as smoking 15 cigarettes daily and worse than obesity or high blood pressure. Alternatively, those with high levels of social connectedness lived longer and experienced lower rates of cognitive decline. In short, humans thrive on meaningful relationships, and when conflict threatens our connectedness, we feel it.
So, what are the practical implications of our need for social connection? How can we find rest amidst the understandable discomfort that conflict creates?
Notice and acknowledge
The solution sounds simple, but noticing the discomfort and recognizing it's warranted is the first step toward finding internal peace. Studies have shown that honestly naming our feelings without efforts at reframing them (i.e., what doesn't kill you makes you stronger) or ignoring them (i.e., sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me) reduces anxiety and enables us to keep moving forward. When you think, "This is so damn painful" or "I feel sick" due to conflict, remind yourself there's a whole room full of people nodding in agreement.
Where mediation helps
Most of the time, we can navigate the pain and difficulty of conflict and find the resolution we need. However, if you ever find that the disputes become too hard or painful to navigate, reach out to us. We help people turn challenging conflicts into constructive opportunities for renewed connection and stability.
Interested in learning more?
Schedule a free intro call.
Intro calls offer a first step toward determining your next steps and take 10-15 min. Whether or not mediation is right for you, this is an opportunity to learn more.
During your intro call, you can:
Share about your interest
Ask questions
Learn more about the pricing and mediation process
Talk about the next steps
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