Divorce Mediation: the Pros & Cons
Introduction
Weighing out the pros and cons of the various routes to divorce is stressful. It’s the kind of math that can keep you up at night. Each path presents unknowns, and each unknown presents understandable anxiety. How do you pick the right process for divorce? How do you move forward on the same page with your partner?
Haas Mediation emerges as a guiding light in this journey, offering divorce mediation services in NY, prioritizing clients’ unique needs, communication, and process. Let's explore the numerous advantages of divorce mediation and some potential cons to discover how Haas Mediation can pave the way for a more connected separation process. Ultimately, the decision lies in your capable hands and rests with what you feel most comfortable with.
I’ll cover the pros and cons here to the best of my ability. However, if you want to explore the process, I suggest scheduling an intro call to learn more. It’s an opportunity to gain deeper clarity about your next steps. You can learn more here.
What is divorce mediation?
Divorce mediation is simply a supported conversation prioritizing your vision for separation. Unlike a court-litigated divorce, the two parties talk about what they want and resolve their disagreements directly. It offers a more human alternative to divisive court battles - a way of getting divorced well.
In mediation, couples work directly with a divorce mediator to sort out every aspect of their divorce and form a mediation agreement that later serves as a template for the final settlement agreement. It's another way of reaching your destination and achieving a divorce.
Mediation isn’t magic. It’s a concrete opportunity to get divorced your way with a mediator's support.
What does a divorce mediator do?
As a divorce mediator, I help support a collaborative divorce process. I provide my clients with an understanding of the topics that need to be discussed, highlight important details that get missed, help them to identify, classify, and divide property, calculate support numbers, and write up a draft agreement of all of their decisions.
More importantly, I assist couples in having the best conversation possible about the issues they care about most! I uphold my client's right to choose what they want for their future and create a safe and productive environment. I help clients hear and be heard, clarify and resolve differences, and find mutual direction.
You can still seek help if an outside consultant (tax consultant, property appraisal, business evaluator, or consulting attorney) is needed. Mediation doesn’t eliminate the role of expert advice; it amplifies the opportunity to stay on the same page with your partner as you discuss their input. They become knowledgeable consultants, and you maintain control.
Pros: Why choose divorce mediation?
Open Communication and Cooperation
Divorce mediation fosters an environment where open communication and cooperation are the cornerstones of the process. Unlike traditional litigation, Haas Mediation supports opportunities for couples to engage in productive dialogue, ensuring both parties have a voice in decision-making. This approach lays the foundation for a more respectful and amicable divorce.
Cost-Effective Alternative
I recently spoke with a man preparing for his second divorce. He shared that during his first divorce, both he and his wife hired lawyers. The process took seven years and cost over $275,000. In short, everyone, except for the lawyers, lost. This time around, he understood the importance of divorce mediation.
Traditional divorces can be financially draining due to legal fees, court costs, and other associated expenses. It generally costs between $12,000 to $25,000 per person but can easily climb to $100,000 or more.
Haas Mediation provides a cost-effective alternative by streamlining the process and minimizing unnecessary expenditures. Clients often still hire consultants along the way to garner advice and make informed decisions. However, it’s still 5-7x cheaper than litigated divorce. With a focus on efficiency and collaboration, couples can navigate their divorce without breaking the bank.
Quicker Resolution
Time is often a critical factor in divorce proceedings. It’s not uncommon for litigated divorces to take years. Mediation typically takes less time than a traditional courtroom divorce, allowing couples to move forward with their lives sooner rather than later.
With Haas Mediation, you schedule when you’re ready for your next session. We only accept a certain number of clients at a time to ensure that we can book sessions when they are ready.
Customized Agreements
Haas Mediation understands that every divorce is unique, and one-size-fits-all solutions rarely address individual needs. Couples can craft personalized agreements that align with their unique circumstances through mediation. This tailored approach ensures that both parties are satisfied with the terms, fostering a sense of fairness and equity.
Clear Exit = Safety
I always begin mediation with a reminder: “Just because you’ve said yes to mediation doesn’t mean you have to continue with it if it isn’t working for you. If you ever find the conversation unproductive, you can advocate for the conversation you desire or end it.”
The good news is that if you are never locked into the process. If you find mediation, you can always stop. You can take the agreements you made with you. There’s no retainer; you’ve only paid for what you needed.
Most clients take the chance to amend the conversation and move forward, but if you want to leave, you can. There’s safety in that.
Reduced Stress and Emotional Impact
Divorce is inherently stressful, and the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Haas Mediation prioritizes the well-being of individuals and aims to minimize the emotional impact of divorce. Using a divorce mediator allows couples in NY to navigate the process with greater emotional resilience by providing a supportive environment where each person can say what they need to say and advocate for what they want.
Preservation of Relationships:
For couples with children, maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship is paramount. Haas Mediation recognizes the importance of preserving relationships, especially when children are involved. Through effective communication and collaborative decision-making, mediation helps couples establish a foundation for successful co-parenting post-divorce.
Cons: When isn’t divorce mediation a good fit?
Domestic Violence
If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship, divorce mediation might not be a good fit. For mediation to be effective, everyone must feel safe communicating what they want and need. In cases of domestic violence, one spouse may not feel like they can safely advocate for what they need and want during mediation. If you’re in a situation involving domestic violence and want to pursue divorce, contact the Legal Aid Society for support.
Advocacy
Some people desire an advocate in the divorce process - someone who will be their champion and fight on their behalf. As a mediator, we provide immense support. However, to be neutral and supportive of both people, we won’t decide who or what is right or wrong. In my experience, most people know what they need and want and feel empowered and safe to advocate for it in mediation. However, people sometimes want someone else to advocate on their behalf.
If this is you, that’s okay. Ultimately, choosing what you’re most at peace with is important. If you want an advocate, speak with an attorney to learn more about options. Here’s a link to the American Bar Association for resources.
The Wrong Mediator
Each divorce mediator in NY approaches the process and supports clients differently. In another article (NY Divorce Mediation Guide), I touch on how I often encounter people who lament choosing a divorce mediator they didn’t like and felt belittled or cornered by.
Choose a divorce mediator who supports you and values your vision for the future. You know what you want and what will/won’t work for you better than anyone else. You’ve been making decisions for yourselves your whole lives. You are the experts. Your divorce mediator’s role is to amplify your voice and vision - not stifle it. I highlight this often and support my client’s capacity to navigate differences and find agreement daily. Don’t settle for someone you don’t like.
Lack of Transparency
Mediation is a confidential process. This ensures that what is said between you stays between you, and we cannot be called upon to testify in a court of law. Our process helps ensure confidentiality and safe ways to share information between divorcing couples.
We ask for total financial transparency between parties during divorce mediation so that they can have an honest conversation about their futures and how they’ll separate. At the same time, as mediators, we can only ask for this. We’re not the court and can’t enforce it. However, mediation might not be a good fit if you’re worried about a lack of transparency. You must feel safe and secure in whatever process you choose.
You can always schedule a call with us to process your decision and concerns. We're here to help.What do divorce mediators do?
Couples and family members I work with resolve their most disruptive disagreements in a way that feels human. We offer divorce mediation services in-person and online in NY. You can learn more by clicking HERE.
Divorce Mediation Process & Outcomes
What are the steps in the mediation process?
Most mediations take the following steps:
1.Free Introductory Call: Each party speaks with the mediator for 10-15 to share their interest, ask questions, and learn more about mediation.
2. 1-on-1 Preparation Session: If the couple is interested in taking the next step, both spouses meet privately with the mediator for an hour to explore issues more in-depth and gain more profound clarity about the process, how divorce mediation can help them in specific and determine their next steps for moving forward.
3. Agreement to Mediate: If the couple agrees to move forward, all parties, including the mediator, sign an agreement outlining the confidential and voluntary nature of the process and the mediator as a neutral aid.
4. Mediation begins: Either in-person or online, both parties engage in supported conversation during the mediation session. The mediator helps them discuss everything from property division and their desired timeline to creating a parenting plan if they have kids and how they want to file for divorce. The mediator records each agreement in detail as the conversation moves along.
5. Mediation ends: After they reach an agreement on every aspect of resolving their separation, the mediator drafts a memorandum of understanding (MOU) for the parties. This document represents all of their decisions and can be used by attorneys or a paralegal to create the final settlement agreement. ***
If you're interested in learning more about this process specifically, you can check out our Divorce and Separation Mediation page, where we answer our most frequently asked questions.
***Check out our article on DIY Divorce Forms (2023) for more information on filing for yourself and other alternatives!***
Will the Judge accept our mediation agreement?
In general, judges value mediation and the less divisive route it provides to parties seeking a settlement agreement. For example, here's how the New York court website describes the process, "A neutral third party called a “mediator” helps the couple to work through the issues of their divorce and reach a mutually agreeable settlement." Although it's impossible to say what a judge will or will not do, judges respect that mediated agreements reflect the will and intention of the parties.
I have yet to have to help a couple whose final stipulation of divorce gets sent back for further review. This is partly because my clients take their MOU to an attorney or paralegal post-mediation to have a second set of eyes review the document and prepare the final divorce stipulation for filing with the courts. This safety measure helps ensure that the parties' agreement reflects their decisions and is ready for the courts.
How long does divorce mediation take?
Another pro of divorce mediation is that the client determines the timeline. The mediation moves along according to the parties' individual needs without the interference of court calendars or deadlines. A typical divorce mediation case takes between 2-8 sessions. Couples without children generally take less time in mediation than families with children, as parenting plans, child support, and spousal issues take more time to discuss.
In conclusion, THE BENEFITS OF MEDIATION
As a mediator, I talk about the benefits of mediation forever. We help families separate in a way that feels true to who they are, cares for their resources, and sets in motion their vision for the future.
Mediation = Opportunities:
You talk through and shape your agreement with one another and, in so doing, always know where the other person is at (as different from a game of telephone).
Mediation is 5-10x cheaper than litigation... and is often more expedient
Your vision of what is best for you and your family sets the stage for the conversation.
We support a space where identifying, classifying, and distributing assets is possible and constructive.
You only pay for the needed time and move at your own pace (fast or slow).
Even if you don't agree on everything, it's still more cost and time-effective than litigation. You can take your arrangements with you.
You can co-create communication patterns that serve you well after completing the process.
We can help.
At Haas Mediation, we transform challenging topics into meaningful opportunities for deciding what will best serve you, your family, and your children if you have them. Our goal is to see clients enjoy lasting agreements.
We provide a confidential, judgment-free, and supportive space and help you work out differences (small and big) and resolve every aspect of your divorce to keep moving forward.
We take the time to understand your process and adapt our support to meet your communication style, needs, and time as you take matters into your own hands.
Move on with more profound peace. Read more below for information on scheduling a free intro call with us.
Interested in learning more?
- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator
Schedule a free intro call.
Intro calls offer a first step toward determining your next steps, taking 10-15 min. Whether or not mediation is right for you, this is an opportunity to learn more.
During your intro call, you can:
Share about your interest
Ask questions
Learn more about the pricing and mediation process
Talk about the next steps
