How to react when your spouse blindsides you with divorce
We’ve all had moments that split our lives into a “before” and an “after.” If your spouse came to you with a request for divorce that you didn’t see coming, you might be reeling with shock. It’s overwhelming to consider all the ways your life might change. You might be feeling scared and alone.
All of this fear is compounded if your spouse has already hired a lawyer. Involving the legal system makes a divorce feel real and concrete. Should you hire a lawyer, too? Where do you even begin?
At Haas Mediation, we work with couples in situations just like yours. Before you let the fear swallow you up, consider these steps.
Let your spouse know you need time
Your spouse may have been planning this divorce for months or years, but to you, it’s sudden. You need some time to process your thoughts and feelings before you take your next step.
You might be tempted to avoid the topic altogether. But your spouse needs to know that you are taking this seriously. Inform your spouse that you plan to acknowledge their request, but that you need some time to respond thoughtfully. It might help to give a specific timeframe, such as two weeks, so that your spouse has a particular date to anticipate.
If you ignore the problem or can’t define a timeline, your spouse may move forward with legal action against your wishes. Speak up while you can to both protect yourself and respect your spouse’s request.
2. Research mediation
Mediation is a process in which a couple seeking divorce gets to work together on their future. Rather than leaving the division of assets or custody of children up to a judge, a mediator helps resolve conflict with the input of the couple themselves.
Before you bring this idea to your spouse, do some research. Check out this article from Divorce Net that defines mediation and goes through some pros and cons, or this article on our website that goes into even more detail. Make sure you have a firm understanding of the process before you bring it up to your spouse.
3. Suggest mediation to your spouse
Now that you've had time to think about the divorce and how you'd like to approach the conversation, you might be ready to suggest mediation to your spouse as a potential next step. Remember, they may not understand what mediation is, so be sure to share the following:
Mediation is NOT couples counseling. The goal is not to reconcile; rather, the goal is to reach a divorce agreement that truly meets the needs of both parties.
A mediator works for both of you. You’re not bringing “your” mediator against their lawyer. Instead, the mediator meets with both of you individually and then together to fully understand the situation and help each of you advocate for yourselves. Your choices and what you need to discuss drives the process.
Mediation does not exclude the legal system. Your spouse may worry that mediation is an attempt to jump through a legal loophole. Assure them that both parties are welcome to employ a lawyer, and the divorce agreement can ultimately be reviewed by a lawyer as well. The two systems can work together.
4. Be open to your spouse’s response
Remember, your spouse has been considering the divorce a lot longer than you have. They may have a picture in their head of how this is going to go, and mediation might not be a part of that.
In the same way your spouse gave you time to think things over, suggest they also take a set amount of time to research and understand mediation. Let them know they can schedule a free 10-15 minute phone call with us at Haas Mediation to better understand the process. If you still have questions, schedule one for yourself, too.
Every divorce is unique, because every couple is made up of two unique people. That’s why mediation strives to honor both parties and incorporate their individual thoughts and concerns. While you may be on a unique journey, know that you’re far from alone. We are here to help.
Interested in learning more?
- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator
Schedule a free intro call.
Intro calls offer a first step toward determining your next steps, taking 10-15 min. Whether or not mediation is right for you, this is an opportunity to learn more.
During your intro call, you can:
Share about your interest
Ask questions
Learn more about the pricing and mediation process
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