What to do when your spouse won’t talk about divorce
After months or maybe even years of stress, deliberation, and perhaps counseling, you’ve reached a decision - you want a divorce. You expected that telling your spouse would be a huge weight off your shoulders. You thought that you could move forward into your new future.
But what are you supposed to do when your spouse won’t talk to you about divorce? Sometimes, when we expect anger or reluctant acceptance, what we get instead is silence. Some partners are unwilling to discuss the concept of separation, leaving the room or refusing to speak when it’s brought up.
If this sounds familiar, you might feel like your only option is to get a lawyer and serve your spouse papers. But there is a path forward that doesn’t include adversarial tactics. A path that ultimately can serve both of you best as you separate. Consider these steps:
Give your spouse some time to process
If you’ve been mulling over this decision for a long time, you’re likely ready to take action today. You may have even spoken with a lawyer already. But for your spouse, divorce may not have crossed their minds until you told them your wishes. Even if it’s been brought up before, they may be only now waking up to the reality that their marriage is ending.
Now that you’ve made your decision clear, your spouse needs time to process and accept this news. It’s really hard to wait, but try giving your spouse a set amount of time in which they can come to terms with the divorce. Let them know you respect their needs, but that after two weeks (or a timeline of your choosing), you need them to be ready to discuss next steps.
Then comes the hard part: refraining from pressuring your spouse to discuss divorce before the deadline. Respect the mutually agreed upon date.
2. While waiting, research your next step
You may have already researched the steps you plan to take in your divorce. You may have consulted with an attorney already. But since your spouse is taking time to absorb this news, you might as well make sure you’ve explored all your options.
Most people assume they must hire a lawyer during a divorce. However, lawyers are expensive, and ultimately a judge gets to have the final say. An affordable, equitable alternative exists: mediation, which is five to seven times less expensive.
In mediation, an expert in conflict resolution - a mediator - works with a couple to help them decide on their own terms how they want their divorce to proceed. They can work through asset division and custody arrangements in a way that best suits them without placing the final decision in the hands of the courts.
If you want an amicable divorce, especially if you will remain a co-parent with your spouse, mediation is an excellent way to ensure everyone gets what they need most.
3. Suggest mediation to your spouse
After your spouse’s designated time to process the divorce has ended, ask them to sit down with you and discuss options. Remember, this idea is still new to them, and they may be afraid - afraid that you’ve already hired a lawyer, afraid that you’ll “take everything,” afraid of what their future may look like.
Whatever your situation, suggest mediation as the best path forward. Be sure to explain the following points:
A mediator doesn’t take sides or push clients. They work for both of you equally
In mediation, you get to decide the outcome, not a judge or adversarial attorneys
A mediator can coexist with one or more lawyers if you want them
You get to go at your own pace and only pay for what you need (no expensive retainers and drawn out legal battles)
Since your spouse may still be clinging to hope for your marriage, be sure to emphasize that a mediator is NOT a couples counselor. The goal is not reconciliation; rather, it is to reach an amicable separation that reflects both of your needs.
4. Be prepared for any type of response
Even after suggesting mediation, your spouse may be resistant to action. Try to balance patience with concrete expectations. It may help to provide your spouse with information on mediation and divorce, like this article from Divorce Net or this article from Haas Mediation.
At Haas Mediation, we work with couples just like you. We understand that the divorce process is difficult and rarely linear. We offer a free 10-15 minute phone call to help you better understand the services we offer. This is something both you and your spouse can take advantage of separately, to make sure all your individual questions are answered before moving forward.
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Even if your spouse is still refusing to speak with you about your divorce, we are ready and able to talk to you about it. Give us a call today.
Interested in learning more?
- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator
Schedule a free intro call.
Intro calls offer a first step toward determining your next steps, taking 10-15 min. Whether or not mediation is right for you, this is an opportunity to learn more.
During your intro call, you can:
Share about your interest
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