“Happy” Birthday - Celebrating After Divorce - Haas Mediation & Training | NY-based Mediation services specializing in divorce, family & support, corporate and religious faith mediation

Every child deserves to be celebrated on their birthday. But when a family is going through a divorce, birthday celebrations can sometimes be one more detail that parents forget to plan well amidst all the other upheaval.

It is difficult to account for every annual event, from a summer vacation to a winter holiday concert. Birthdays can get lost in the mix. But whether it’s your birthday or your child’s birthday, a divorce does not have to mean forgoing a celebration.

Here are some things to consider when you face the first birthday that comes up after divorce.

Your desire to celebrate is valid

First and foremost, acknowledge to yourself that your desire to celebrate your child’s birthday with them - or to celebrate your own birthday with your children - is not silly or shallow. Birthdays bring up a lot of important thoughts and feelings, like remembering the day your child was born or reflecting on the year gone by and the year ahead.

If you find yourself wanting to participate in a birthday party as opposed to having a quiet celebration at home, that is a valid desire, too. Research shows that birthday parties that involve friends or extended family members help young children:

Increase self-esteem
Strengthen family bonds
Grow social relationships
Build positive memories
Understand the concept of time

The logistics matter less than the love

The desire to celebrate yourself or your child is valid, but it’s also crucial to admit that the logistics of birthday celebrations will change after a divorce. Remember to keep your parent-child bond at the forefront of your mind as the most important thing when you try to figure out the details of the day.

Depending on your custody arrangements, birthdays may fall on a day when the other parent is with your children. In most cases, letting go of the pressure to celebrate on the actual day can pave the way to better celebrate your child or yourself once you are together.

Some parents experience guilt around this idea, but remember that children often “miss” their actual birthday date with their family and friends for all kinds of reasons, from illness to summer camp. That doesn’t make the eventual celebration any less meaningful. In fact, very young children believe that the celebration itself actually makes them turn a year older!

Your birthday matters, too

Don’t forget to consider what you want your own birthday to look like, too. Do you want to spend the actual day with your children, knowing that the day of the week will rotate each year? Alternatively, you could set aside a weekend near your birthday annually on which to celebrate.

Again, have realistic expectations. Your children may show up to your birthday celebration empty-handed, as your ex may not assist them with making or purchasing gifts or cards. Even older children and teenagers may not have the independent forethought needed to get you something special for your birthday.

If you are able, treat yourself to something like a round of golf or a pedicure for your birthday, knowing that you will no longer get a gift from your spouse and possibly even your kids. Then, focus on spending time with your kids for your birthday rather than feeling slighted by the lack of acknowledgement.

Mediation can help

It can be tricky to know how to dialogue with your spouse about subjects like birthdays. In the grand scheme of the divorce, it may not seem like a big deal - but birthdays are going to come around every year for the rest of your lives! If you’re still in the process of finalizing your divorce, it is worthwhile to bring this topic up when custody is discussed.

Here at Haas Mediation, we work with divorcing couples to help them make the best decisions for their family throughout the divorce process. In a mediated divorce, the couple retains total autonomy over their decisions, arriving at conclusions with the assistance of the trained mediator rather than pitting two opinions against each other.

Mediation makes room for any detail that the divorcing couple wants to discuss. If you want help navigating birthdays and every other aspect of co-parenting, give us a call today to see how mediation can help put the “happy” back in “happy birthday.”

Interested in learning more?

- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator

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