Preserving Quality Time with Your Kids After Divorce

When a divorce involves children, one of the biggest concerns for their parents will revolve around custody arrangements.

While most agreements are quantity-based - 50/50, 60/40, and so on - the lived experience is much more complicated. You may wonder if you should prioritize quantity over quality, weekdays over weekends, or physical over legal custody.

Here at Haas Mediation, we are experienced in guiding couples through this difficult and personal topic. Here are some things to keep in mind as you navigate your own divorce proceedings:

Physical vs. legal custody

The first part of custody arrangements to be aware of is the existence of both physical and legal custody.

Physical custody might come to mind first for most people. This refers to which parent the child lives with. In some cases, the physical custody split is completely 50/50, while in other situations this is rendered untenable due to distance or a busy work schedule.

Legal custody, then, refers to the right to make decisions about a child’s upbringing. This includes education, religion, extracurricular activities, and medical decisions. Parents may have joint legal custody and joint physical custody, or any mixture of the two.

It might be difficult to anticipate how these overlapping responsibilities will play out. In mediation, couples can put their contingency plans in writing for future disagreements. This might include deferring to the pediatrician when there is a disagreement over medical care, or calling in a mental health professional when there is conflict relating to a child’s involvement in certain activities.

Week on, week off

In regards to physical custody, there are many ways to split up time with your children. Many couples desire an even 50/50 split, which often looks like one week on, one week off with your kids.

Before you assume this is right for you, consider the logistics. If your child or children will be switching households each week, it is vital that you and your spouse live in the same school district or consider birdnesting, when parents move in and out of the shared family home.

Factor in your job schedule and if you will be able to get your kids where they need to go for school, extracurriculars, and playdates. Also be sure to calculate the financial implications of your children requiring all of their needs to be met in two separate households. While they can take a suitcase with them, they will likely need duplicates of many basic personal items.

This can be a positive arrangement for many families, as long as both parents commit to the plan fully. Details about the above logistics can get ironed out during mediation.

Weekdays vs. weekends

Another common approach to physical custody is weekdays spent with one parent and weekends spent with the other.

Again, consider the lived experience of this split. For some families, it works well for one parent with a flexible job to manage school-day responsibilities on an ongoing basis, while the other parent may contribute more financially but spend weekends with their children. Different plans may need to be made for long school vacations like summertime and winter holidays.

This arrangement raises the quantity versus quality conundrum. Both parents in this scenario may question if the time they get with their children will be “enough.” The weekday parent may fear that they will never have downtime in which to bond with their kids, while the weekend parent may question if two days a week is enough time to maintain a close relationship.

While these are valid concerns, it’s important to put them in the context of your entire lifestyle. Sometimes financial or logistical realities exist that make this split the best option, and each parent gets some pros and some cons in the bargain.

Mediation can help

No matter how custody of your children is split with your spouse, these decisions are difficult and personal. Here at Haas Mediation, we understand that there is more to a family than quantifiable time ratios.

That’s why in mediation, you get to lead the discussion alongside your spouse, factoring in every detail that might affect your child’s wellbeing as you jointly decide how to move forward. Rather than pit two co-parenting plans against one another, create a co-parenting plan together that benefits everyone involved.

Schedule a free fifteen-minute consultation today to explore how your family can create a unique, personalized solution to custody arrangements.

Interested in learning more?

- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator

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