What’s best for the kids? Living arrangements after divorce

When couples get divorced, they have to face tough decisions about future living arrangements for their kids. Parents worry that choosing the wrong living arrangement will further traumatize their children on top of the stresses of divorce.

The truth is, although this is a difficult time for your children, children can adapt to many different living arrangements as long as they have supportive parents. Here's a guide to help you discern what living arrangement will work best for your family.

Separate homes

The typical American approach to divorce involves shared physical custody of children. This usually means the kids go back and forth between two different households to spend time with each parent.

The logistics of this arrangement vary widely. Some parents alternate child custody every other week, some parents get weekends and holidays while the other parent does weekdays, and still others get their kids during the school year or summer vacation.

Some parents express concern that moving back and forth between two homes will cause extra stress for their children. While there will certainly be an adjustment period, studies show that a child’s mental health and physical well-being are better off in a two-household setup than they are in situations where only one parent is involved.

Birdnesting

The idea of birdnesting—sharing one family home and having the parents, not the kids, rotate in and out of the space—is gaining popularity in the United States. Many people who are worried about the toll a two-household existence may take on their children feel drawn to this alternative.

In places like Sweden and the United Kingdom, families have been taking this approach for decades. Some parents swear that it was the best thing for their children. They explain that it provided a place of safety and continuity for the whole family while they weathered the divorce and the years beyond. However, it should be noted this is hard to study clinically because those same children can’t also experience a two-household solution at the same time in their lives.

Other parents who have tried it say it’s more of a temporary solution, and that eventually they felt a desire to have a fresh start and experience closure about the end of their marriage. Young adults who grew up in a birdnest arrangement have shared that it was sometimes confusing for them and made them wonder if their parents would get back together, while others state it made them feel protected and cared for.

Good parenting > Location logistics

No matter what option you choose, you can still be a good parent. In fact, if your children were exposed to a lot of spousal conflict prior to your divorce, this new arrangement will likely be better for their long-term mental health.

The key is to commit to a co-parenting strategy as a couple so that your kids have consistency and feel secure in both parents’ love regardless of where they live. A long-term study called the New Beginnings Program found that parents who were trained in effective, low-conflict parenting strategies after divorce had better mental health and physical well-being than those who were not. This held true even fifteen years later, and applied to both the parents and their children.

Determine the best plan for your family through mediation

It is possible to give your children a sense of security even after divorce, but this becomes difficult if you and your spouse can’t get on the same page when it comes to living arrangements and other co-parenting decisions.

If you’re truly committed to putting your kids first, mediation may be a solution you can both agree on. Mediation differs from lawyer-led divorce in that both parties work with one qualified mediator who facilitates conversation between them. This leaves decision-making power in the hands of the divorcing couple as a unit, rather than pitting their preferences against each other in court.

Here at Haas Mediation, our goal is to put you and your family first by helping you create a detailed co-parenting plan that incorporates all the nuances of your life. If you need help determining the best living arrangement for your family after divorce, schedule a free 15-minute consultation today.

Interested in learning more?

- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator

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