How to Tell Your Adult Kids You're Getting Divorced
Divorce is difficult no matter your life stage. If you’re getting a divorce and have adult children, you may be agonizing over how to break the news to them and worried about what this means for your relationships.
While there is no perfect approach, keep the following advice in mind when it comes time to let your adult children know their parents are separating.
Don’t make your kid your therapist
The most important concept to remember is that your kid is not your therapist, no matter how old they are. Even if they are a therapist for a living, they are not your therapist. Don’t verbally process everything that’s happening between you and your spouse with them. Instead, come to them with a prepared explanation for the divorce and leave room for their reactions instead of focusing on your own feelings.
When you have adult children, there is often a temptation to justify the divorce to them because you have little control over how they will react. This can lead to the disclosing of personal details that cross parent-child boundaries. You may even find yourself casting your spouse in a bad light to exonerate yourself to your adult child.
Honesty is key, but ask yourself which details are pertinent and which might damage your child’s relationship with yourself or your spouse unnecessarily. If you want to ensure a continued relationship with your child, your best bet is to be respectful of your spouse. Even though you are severing ties with them, they are your child’s parent for life.
Take responsibility for your continued relationship
Because your children are adults, it is ultimately up to them if they continue a relationship with you and your spouse after the divorce. If you desire a continued relationship, be clear that this is your top priority when you first announce the divorce.
As mentioned above, center their feelings during your initial conversation and in the weeks that follow. Check in with them to see how they are doing rather than expecting them to call and check up on you. You may want to reassure them that the divorce does not mean you view the entire marriage and creation of your family as a mistake. Explicitly state that your relationship with them is something you are thankful for.
Sometimes a divorce can have ripple effects that cause worry for your adult kids. For example, if you are a grandparent, be upfront that you wish to remain as close to their children as ever. If possible, you and your spouse can explain together that you will both show up to your grandchildren’s events in the same way you’ve always done. If your spouse is not amenable to this, take the burden off your kids’ shoulders by working out a compromise with your spouse about who gets to attend which events.
Respect their need to process
Once your initial conversation about the divorce has occurred, your adult child may have all sorts of reactions. If you have more than one child, each one will likely react differently. Try to hold space for this.
For example, one child may be devastated and react with sadness and tears. In contrast, another may throw their hands up and say, “Finally!” While different reactions may bring up difficult emotions for you, your kids each deserve the time and space to process the life-altering news you just shared.
If possible, you and your spouse may want to break the news to the kids together. If that’s not an option, keep in mind that your children may need to hear about the divorce from both of you separately before they can fully accept that it’s happening.
Consider naming the fact that this is difficult and you understand they might want time and space away from you for a while. Ask their permission to reach out to them in a set amount of time, such as one or two weeks. Then make sure to follow through.
Consider mediation for a united front
Getting a divorce when you have adult children comes with a unique set of obstacles. From the perspective of the courts, your children are independent and don’t need to be considered during the divorce proceedings.
In spite of this, you likely care about how this will affect them. You and your spouse may want to talk through how you will approach ongoing family events, the topic of grandchildren, and any end of life plans that may have changed due to the divorce.
Divorce mediation is a great way to address these complicated topics. Both spouses sit down with one mediator and work through all the details of their shared life while retaining complete autonomy over the outcome. You can account for things a court wouldn’t consider, like how to split paying for the future weddings of your adult children or how to share a beloved family pet.
If you want some more guidance on how to tell your adult children about your divorce, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Haas Mediation today. We are here to help you through all the details that matter most to you.
