Why Divorce Mediation Results in Better Co-Parenting with Your Ex
Parents are accustomed to making every decision that pertains to their children. So what happens when two parents get divorced? Who gets to make which decisions? What if you can’t agree?
These questions are difficult on their own, but if you and your spouse end up on the opposite sides of a courtroom, you may end up with a co-parenting plan you don’t like at all. Litigated divorces often leave both parties dissatisfied when it comes to custody arrangements.
You may have heard that divorce mediation can lead to better co-parenting outcomes. But to some, it sounds too good to be true. Here are some common hesitations about divorce mediation from parents:
Hesitation #1: Divorce mediation won’t hold my spouse accountable.
One reason parents cite for pursuing a lawyer-led divorce is the need for accountability from their partner when it comes to co-parenting. Although cost-prohibitive and often contentious, parents would rather go the courtroom route than risk unkept promises and unenforceable co-parenting plans.
But divorce mediation does not exclude an official parenting agreement. In fact, divorce mediation helps construct a legally enforceable agreement through a more amicable process. While the mediator themselves does not hold legal authority, they will help you come up with a written co-parenting plan that can then be reviewed and legitimized by a lawyer. Both parties can have a lawyer involved throughout mediation, or seek legal counsel at the end of mediation for final authorization.
Hesitation #2: A divorce mediator will want me and my spouse to continue to spend time together “for the kids.”
A common misconception of divorce mediators is that they are quasi-marriage counselors, actively seeking reconciliation of relationships. This is not true. Mediators are professional facilitators, trained to provide an equitable and safe environment for couples to decide for themselves what their next right steps are.
Mediators are equipped to help couples come up with a parenting plan unique to them. They do not have any agenda besides the one the couple lays out. If divorcing parents wish to spend time all together as a family on occasion, a mediator can help them work that into their written parenting plan. But if that is not the wish of the couple, there is certainly no need to incorporate so-called “family time.” Your vision, not the mediator’s or a lawyer’s, is the one that counts.
Hesitation #3: Divorce mediation is too laid-back to account for my specific wishes for my children.
Again, mediators are often viewed as therapists or counselors instead of the professional facilitators that they are. Many parents imagine that mediators can help a divorcing couple define their overall vision for the future, but not get into the nitty gritty aspects of shared parenting that a lawyer would cover.
This is false. As mentioned above, mediators allow a divorcing couple to guide the conversation in a way that suits their unique needs as co-parents. They can help you write a co-parenting plan that puts the nuances of your family life in writing. This can include everything from deciding that the father will come over and walk the family dog with the children on Saturday mornings to a written commitment that both parents will attend their children’s doctor appointments.
These details contrast with the quantitative focus of court-ordered custody arrangements. Courts often grant 50/50 or 70/30 custody, leaving the co-parents to work out the logistical details of holidays and school drop-offs on their own.
With a mediated parenting plan, the exact time ratio doesn’t have to be the focus unless the couple wants it to be. It may end up looking like 52/48 or 36/64 once things like ballet rehearsal and holiday travel are factored in, and if that’s what’s best for everyone, round numbers don’t have to be part of the solution.
Better communication is an added bonus.
Divorce mediation not only accommodates for all of the hesitations listed above, it also sets divorcing couples up for success in the communication department. Couples who work with a divorce mediator will begin to learn enhanced communication skills as they work through the process together. The benefit of this for navigating future parenting decisions and hiccups is immeasurable.
Interested in speaking with a mediator yourself? Have some hesitations that didn’t make the list? Call us today for a free 15-minute phone call. We want you and your family to experience the best possible outcome as you navigate this divorce, and we would be honored if you would trust us to help you achieve that.
Interested in learning more?
- Andrew Haas, Founder & Principal Mediator
Schedule a free intro call.
Intro calls offer a first step toward determining your next steps, taking 10-15 min. Whether or not mediation is right for you, this is an opportunity to learn more.
During your intro call, you can:
Share about your interest
Ask questions
Learn more about the pricing and mediation process
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